English translations
'Voorbij de roze wolk'
'Beyond cloud nine'
Motherhood. A time of love, happiness and fulfillment, right? Not for everyone. Dutch photographer Jessie Tichelaar portrayed women from Amsterdam-Noord, who weren't always on cloud nine in their motherhood experiences.
When Anjanie from the Van der Pek neighborhood has to continu in life as a single mother, she is confronted with the taboos that run in her Surinamese-Hindeustani background. "In my culture it is taboo. They think it's better to be married unhappy than to be happy on your own." She felt lonely in motherhood, but also discovered a new side of herself. Marja from Tuindorp Oostzaan recognizes this too, who is childless and happy, against expectations of her surroundings. "The doctor refused to sterilize me when I was 23 Because I am a woman, everyone expected me to change my mind later. I didn't." In this photo exhibition, women from different generations and backgrounds tell their personal stories. In their stories, they reflect on their own experiences and how they have shaped them. The photographs are the result of an intimate collaboration between
the photographer and the person portrayed based on her story.
Trigger warning. Please note that the exhibition includes stories about miscarriages and stillborn babies (not images) and may be perceived as shocking.
Beyond cloud nine
Anjanie, 41 years old
Anjanie from the Van der Pek neighborhood has a happy marriage. The arrival of a baby causes changing expectations in the relationship and Anjanie feels increasingly lonely. From her Hindustani-Surinamese background, there is a lot of shame surrounding divorce. Nevertheless, the couple decides to separate. A new chapter as a single mother begins for Anjanie with her three-year-old son, Jaïr.
"I was coming out of a very dark period when we broke up. I suddenly had a lot of freedom, but I was also mourning the loss of my family. One time I walked away to cry. Jaïr grabbed my face and said, 'I'm going to take care of you.' Then I said, 'No, mom is going to take care of herself.' That was a turning point for me to let my own light shine again. Single motherhood finally allowed me to find the connection with myself again."
Laura, 40 years old
Laura from the Waterlandplein neighborhood is a healthy, pregnant woman of 24 until she gets preeclampsia (intoxication). Her health declines, but the nurses don't take her cry for help seriously. "I felt something was completely off. This was going to end badly. I thought: I'm not going to survive this." With an emergency C-section, her son comes into the world healthy, but Laura is left with mental and physical trauma.
She is advised not to wait long to have a second child, but during the ultrasound, something is wrong. "A rare, severe chromosomal abnormality. We decided to terminate the pregnancy." Laura gives birth to her second son at 22 weeks, who dies during delivery.
Just weeks after his cremation, she unexpectedly becomes pregnant again. The pregnancy goes well, but psychologically Laura is at the end of her rope. At 38 weeks, her daughter is born healthy.
Laura went through therapy to process the three pregnancies and went on to study Midwifery at age 30. She now offers specialized coaching around pregnancy and childbirth. "Healthcare providers need to realize that the way they treat their clients largely determines how women look back on their childbirth. A woman who is at her most vulnerable wants to be seen and heard."
Kirsten, 31 years old
Kirsten from the Waterlandplein neighborhood steps into motherhood carelessly, but from the moment her daughter is born, the world seems to look at her differently.
"I mourned the old me. From the moment I became a mother, everyone assumed I'd only have time for my daughter." Motherhood was harder than Kirsten expected. "It seemed mothers around me had hidden from me how hard it could be. Motherhood is exhausting and you can feel very alone in it."
"What I've learned is that you definitely have to adapt your life to your child's needs. But you must also continue to make choices that allow you to be yourself. Motherhood is the most beautiful and at the same time the hardest thing there is. Accept help and don't fool yourself: you don't have to do everything perfectly."
Janny, 82 years old
Janny from Banne Southeast grew up as the latest arrival in the family in the 1940s. Her childhood was characterized by poverty, loneliness and the strict religious beliefs of her father. She marries and has two children, but knows nothing about raising them.
"I didn't know how to give love, be affectionate or celebrate Sinterklaas. That didn't happen at my house. My children missed out on a lot because of that. With time I started to hide behind a wall. In fact, the bond with my children has always been distant."
In the process, Janny continues to fight for equality and independence, which causes many clashes in her marriage and eventually results in divorce. Communication with both of her children fades over time and is eventually broken. Looking back on having children, Janny says, Think about it thoroughly. Do you really want it yourself, or do you want it because others expect you to have children?”
Janny traveled to Asia several times in her life. The rings she wears both contain the gemstone Lapis Lazuli. She bought this during her trip in India as a souvenir. She did not know then that this gemstone is known to be able to help find inner truth.
Inge, 33 years old
When Inge and Oscar from Tuindorp-Oostzaan want to fulfill their desire to have children, it doesn't seem to happen naturally: the problem is reduced fertility.
While their peers enter the journey of natural pregnancies, they find themselves on their own lonely sidetrack. A clinical course of fertility treatments begins. For a year and a half, Inge's life consists of hormone treatments, injections, embryo transfers and a premature miscarriage. A physical and emotional roller coaster. But after a third IVF placement, Inge turns out to be successfully pregnant.
"It deepened our relationship, we came out stronger. These days, the most beautiful things are shared on social media. It can make you feel as if everything seems beautiful and fantastic with others. But there are also many people who suffer setbacks. You are not alone. That idea gives love and is supportive. The trick is to take setbacks as they are and remain hopeful. Trust that things will turn out the way they are supposed to."
At the time this photo was taken, Inge is 26 weeks pregnant. Inge plans to write a book about her experiences.
Janine, 32 years old
Janine lives in The Bongerd and becomes pregnant for the second time after a miscarriage. Instead of being happy, she feels terrified. After a difficult childbirth, her mental health decreases. She develops an anxiety disorder and postpartum depression. "My boyfriend was instantly in love with the baby. I just thought: I'm never doing this again. I felt heard by no one and very much alone."
Janine loses herself in her fears and isolates herself in her home for months. "I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was so low. I was intensely desperate and deeply unhappy."
After a long period, Janine receives medication and attends intensive therapy with organization Goedebuur. "Thanks to Goedebuur I have my life back, I am so grateful to them. But also my boyfriend really pulled me out of my misery. Without him I wouldn't have been sitting here anymore."
Marja, 56 years old
Marja grows up as the only colored child in a white environment when she’s adopted. Her older brother beats her up frequently, and at school she is an outcast. As early as the age of twelve, she runs away and tries drugs for the first time. A difficult period follows, dominated by drug addiction. The desire to have children never comes.
"People think it's the way it should be, to have children. But I think it's a responsibility you have to take on consciously. There are so many unwanted children who grow up without love. I don't want it to be that way."
Marja has no regrets about her decision on not becoming a mother. Now fully recovered from her addiction, she built a community garden behind her home in Tuindorp-Oostzaan. Neighbors can harvest fresh herbs and vegetables there year-round. "The garden is my pride and joy. I am definitely not lonely and have never been so in touch with who I really am."
Marja in her beloved garden. She is wearing a kaftan that her adoptive mother, a skilled dressmaker, made especially for her.
Martina, 36 years old
When Martina from the Molenwijk becomes pregnant, an unpleasant surprise follows. Not one, but two miscarriages. Growing up in Italy, she was never told about how common miscarriages are. Without preparation, she endures the physical and emotional pain that miscarriages bring. She loses a large amount of blood and is left numb.
"I felt I was incapable of becoming a mother. I only saw women blissfully telling the world they were pregnant. It felt like I was the only one who couldn't do that."
A third pregnancy results in a healthy daughter: Noah. But still Martina speaks out about the realities of parenthood. "Some people see a child as their source of happiness. I think that's unhealthy for both parent and child. Noah is not our property, she is not an extension of us. She is her own individual."
Martina sought contact with Jessie (the photographer of this series) in 2021. Together they created this portrait, with the goal of creating openness about the realities of motherhood. In this photo, Martina was pregnant with her daughter Noah. Martina then also brought together Jessie and producer Maria. The idea to create an exhibition about motherhood stories was then born.
Anjanie, 41 years old
Anjanie from the Van der Pek neighborhood has a happy marriage. The arrival of a baby causes changing expectations in the relationship and Anjanie feels increasingly lonely. From her Hindustani-Surinamese background, there is a lot of shame surrounding divorce. Nevertheless, the couple decides to separate. A new chapter as a single mother begins for Anjanie with her three-year-old son, Jaïr.
"I was coming out of a very dark period when we broke up. I suddenly had a lot of freedom, but I was also mourning the loss of my family. One time I walked away to cry. Jaïr grabbed my face and said, 'I'm going to take care of you.' Then I said, 'No, mom is going to take care of herself.' That was a turning point for me to let my own light shine again. Single motherhood finally allowed me to find the connection with myself again."